..whatever..

---Literature and Artworks by Amaranth Levana---
*All images/artworks/literature/blurbs in this blog are all by me (and the three voices in my head), unless stated otherwise. For special permissions please contact YuAmaLev via email amaranth.levana21@gmail.com*

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Spiders and Butterflies





PART 1: Spider Web

How hard is it to let go of a love which continuously hurts you?

I’m not sure… but I know that in my case, that’s not even an option.

Forcing your feelings on someone would not make them reciprocate; I’ve learned that first hand.

This love hurts… but I deserve every pain… It’s all because I took something for granted… and it’s now too late for regrets.



It’s hard to love someone who’s grown to hate you, but what’s more painful is that you can never be numb enough to forget.

The pain would just pierce deeper and deeper into your heart…

Stabbing…

Drowning…

Suffocating…

Making you wish that it could just kill you…

But it won’t.

The pain would always be there…

…Persistent…

Agonizing…

Mocking you with its existence…

It will drain every volt of energy that you have in your system only to be regenerated for you to be tormented again and again.



Like the way a spider would carry on weaving its web no matter how many times it breaks, you could never stop your own heart from loving…

Feeling…

Embracing the pain…

The spider would spin its web until its death…

You will continue to love until your last breath…

This is the kind of love that I have…

The kind that I can never let go no matter how hard I wish for it to disappear…

“Jillian, it’s time for your medicine.”

I looked up at my friend who was standing beside my bed. I saw the sad look in her eyes as she gazed upon me. She forced a smile, but I can read what was running through her mind.

Cancer at stage 4 could not mean anything else.

The ripper would soon come for me…

“Thank you, Liz.”

I sat up and obliged in taking the medications that we both know would hardly help with my condition.

I have long accepted my fate…

For it’s my only escape…

I can finally rest…

And my heart would no longer ache…

“I’ve already sent your gift. Are you sure you don’t want to call him to let him know?”

I shook my head and threw Liz a smile filled with gratitude.

“No. I wouldn’t want to bother him. I just wanted to at least send him a gift for his birthday and I hope that he likes it this time.”

Liz touched my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“I’m sure he would.”

I hope so…

Because---

This is the last one.

The gift that I sent him is a video I made. It is a compilation of the memories of us together; the most that I can find.

I really hope that he would not be annoyed…

Anyway, this is my last gift…

A gift to show how much I treasured the moments I spent with him…

…To thank him…

To show how much I love him…

And to say how sorry I am for hurting him before…

I’m no longer asking for forgiveness or for him to love me the same way as he once did…

All I want now is to let him know and understand---

My love---

My regret---

My gratitude---

Those times that he rejected me in the past no longer matter… but please, just for this last time…



Like a spider that’s spun its final masterpiece…

I lay in bed with my aching heart…

Wishing that the wind would be kind---

Not to blow my last hope away…


PART 2: Wish…

Loving---

Is not having someone perfect to love,

But to have someone to love perfectly;

It is not to hold on to for all time,

But about setting it free when it chooses to fly.

Letting go---

Is not a choice for us to make,

But a must when they wish to leave;

It is not about losing a fight,

But about fighting only for what’s right.



Setting someone free does not stand for loving that person any less.

Sometimes, letting go just might be the only means to show you love that person, if you failed in all the other ways.



I’m a person who failed in all other things, though I know I tried my best.

Setting her free was the only way I could think of---

To let her find her happiness---

I had to stay away---

---

Tomorrow is my birthday and like in the past years, this day I received a package from Jillian.

I hope it’s not something expensive.

She always sends me expensive gifts and knowing her, she probably is in need of cash herself, that’s why I always send her gifts back.

I’m worried she would misunderstand my gesture, but I’m more worried that she would be going on tight budget just because she had to buy me that birthday present.

I always wonder how she’s doing. Although we stayed in touch I never wanted to pry too much about her life.

This is the difficult part about giving space…

Sometimes you lay too much emptiness that nothing else could occupy it but pride.

My Jillian has a lot of that…

We both do.

God knows how much I miss her.

I really want to see her, but I fear that I just might get in the way of her chase.

There’s nothing that I want more but for her to finally be contented, and I promised myself I have to endure leaving her alone until she does.

I’ve controlled too much of her life before and this is the only way that she can grow on her own…

And then maybe, she’ll finally want to come back to me after her long journey...

Just like the old times…

Just My Jilly and I…

Ring! Ring! Ring!

“Hello?”

“Mr. Frank Richards?”

“Yes.”

“My name is Liz. I’m Jillian’s friend.”

I don’t know why, but my heart started to beat like crazy the moment I heard Jillian’s name being mentioned by the shaky voice of the female caller.

“I- Is something wrong?” I heard my own voice shake. It’s like the nerves of that woman was magically transmitted through the lines.

“Jillian---“the female voice, I think she said her name was Liz, started to sound like she was crying and that sent multitudes of spears right through my chest. I wanted to yell at her and tell her to stop, but I felt too weak and helpless just with the million negative thoughts that started to run through my head.

“---she’s gone…”Liz, I’m pretty sure that’s her name, finally continued after a whole eternity of pause in twilight zone.

I felt my whole body tremble. My mind suddenly went blank and I---

Hold on…

Did I hear right?

“She passed away at 2pm today…”Liz, yes, that’s her name, confirmed.

I don’t know what happened next. I just felt my whole body go numb. Like someone stuck me inside a freezer to ice over.

My Jillian…

Will never come back…



Two months after Jillian was buried, I found that unopened package again…

The one that she sent me for my birthday…

The one that I received right before I was told of her passing…

As I opened the wrapping, I wished that it was not something expensive… because I would not be able to send it back…

It’s an MD.

I put the MD in the player and sat on the couch to watch the video Jillian made.

I could no longer hold back my tears as I recalled all of the memories that she purposely reminded me using that mini disc.

There’s no use trying to act tough now…

At the end, I felt my heart stop when I saw her face, sweetly smiling at the camera.

“I have three things to say:”Jillian’s voice is cheery as always.

“Thank you… I’m sorry… and I love you…”

Despite her effort to remain merry, a tear fell on her lovely cheek inevitably… and I wished so much that I had the power to wipe it away.

It was a long pause while she tried to compose herself and I lingered on staring at my beautiful angel.

“I hope you like this and don’t send it back to me---“

I unconsciously nodded at her and she beamed as if she saw what I just did.

“Happy Birthday, daddy…”

Touching the screen, I made believe that my hand could reach her.

“May your wishes come true…”



If I could have one wish granted…

I wish…

That I can hold my little girl in my arms once again…

My little Jilly who grew up so fast and left too soon…

My beautiful Butterfly who has flown too far away…



© AmaranthLevana 2010 

Friday, June 18, 2010

Mama Cried


I heard mama cry for she was happy,
The day she learned I was there in her tummy,
She swore never will she let anything harm me,
That she'd always adore me, cherish me, protect me.


I heard mama cry for she was scared,
Coz' when she told daddy, daddy didn't care,
She said, "Baby, now it's just you and I"
Silently then I bode daddy goodbye.

For quite sometime it was indeed just mama and I,
And never again did I hear her cry.
We became more attached as days went by;
Every night she sang to me a lullaby.

She told me stories about a perfect family,
There was a mommy, a daddy and a cute little baby.
Then at every end she'll suddenly say sorry,
Because she knows that such we can never be.

We were so happy, just mama and I,
Even when she felt tired she did not cry,
My mama is brave, my mama is strong;
Everything she faces with smiles and with song.

I heard mama cry again for she was sad,
She had to give me up for everything she had,
My mama was just so young and so confused,
Either me or her dreams she had to choose.

Mama cried once more when she chose me,
Said: "My life means nothing without you, baby."
Though I was glad I just couldn't let it be,
So then I decided to set her free.

One fateful night while mama was asleep,
In my warm shelter I felt cold air creep,
It traveled inside me and it went deep,
So silent, mama didn't notice it ceased my heartbeat.

We're not together anymore, mama and I,
Yet from up here I still hear her cry,
Everyday she says: "I love you, my baby"
How I wish to respond: "I love you too, mommy."

Though she smiles, her heart does cry,
I still hear her sing my lullaby,
I hope one day she'll understand why,
I had to go and with angels fly.

Though mama would never get to be my mother,
And never will she know if I were son or daughter,
It's enough that she would always remember,
That I'd be watching her still while in the arms of Our Father.

Note: This poem was written a few days after I wrote "Till Then" (Link). It was sort of the baby's answer to the mother or something like that. At first I couldn't think of any of my drawings that would go with this poem so I thought of posting this one without putting any. The image used in this post was created while I was waiting for my internet connection to get back up...  

© AmaranthLevana 2010 

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

My Puppy Love Part2: On time...

YuAmaLev: This is Part 2. Please read Part 1: Two Seconds first ^_^

His name is Michael and he is my first love.


It took a couple of months before I knew his name, coz you see, I couldn’t speak.


6:00 am, on the dot, Michael will come to deliver the morning paper.


He’s never a minute late.


For five seconds.


Those precious seconds brighten my day.


One, he’ll stop his bike and step his right foot on the curb to keep his balance.


Two, he’ll pull out a newspaper and accurately land it on our porch.


Three, he’ll look my way and smile at me.


Four-Five, he’ll wave and say “Mornin’!”


And before the count of six, he’ll be gone.


Every day…


It’s like this…


Every day…


Every day at 6:00…


I wanted so much to say “Good morning” to him.


I wanted to wish him a great day.


I wanted to ask him to come over and play sometime.


I wanted to know him better.


If only I could speak…


If only I could speak, I’d talk to him…


If I only I could speak, he’d know…


I love him.


5:58 a.m., I was already sitting by the window. Only two more minutes and he’ll be coming by.


Clunk!


Crash!


Thud!


What was that?


I turned my head. It came from the kitchen!


Mom!???


My eyes widened in shock when I saw mommy lying on the floor.


“Arrrgghhh…”


Clutching her chest, it was the only sound she could make.


I quickly ran to her in panic.


What will I do? Mommy!!! What’s happening?


“Aaarrrggghhh…”


Oh, the sound of her pain rattled me. I trembled as I saw her try and catch her breath.


But, I don’t know what to do!


I tried to call for help but no one could hear me!


5:59 a.m.


I ran out the door and tried to find help.


The man who was mowing his lawn next door looked at me but that was all.


Help! Help! Help me, please!


From a few blocks away I saw Michael.


Michael! Michael!


I tried to call but he can’t hear me.


I couldn’t speak a single word.


Not even a single word to save my mommy’s life.


I started to run towards him and finally, he saw me.


I saw him step on his pedal faster until he reached me.


He halted and caught his breath.


“Amber?! What’s going on?”


I wasn’t able to say anything but he followed me when I ran back in the house.


6:00 a.m.


This day, it’s just like every day…


Except…


“Michael will be coming by any second now, right?”


I looked up at mommy and smiled.


Five seconds…


One, he stopped in front of our lawn and got off from his bike.


Two, with the newspaper in his hand, he walked to our porch…


Huh?...


What?---


Mommy smiled at me before opening the front door and greeting Michael.


“Good morning, Ms. Williams I’m glad you’re doing fine.”


The smile on Michael’s face was as charming and as bright as ever.


“Yes. Thank you. I owe you my life.”


“Not at all, I just happened to pass by. Everything is all thanks to Amber…”


Thump.


Thump.


Thump.


Michael turned to me and looked at me with admiring eyes.


“…she’s a very smart dog.”


His name is Michael and he’s my first love.


He’s the newspaper boy who saved my mommy’s life.

© AmaranthLevana 2010 

My Puppy Love Part1: Two Seconds

My name is Amber and this is the story of my unrequited love.
 
“You’re there again, Amber?”
 
The voice of my mommy made me look away from the window. I glanced at her with pleading eyes so she would let me stay here and leave me alone with my daydreaming for a while. 
 
“It’s time for breakfast. Aren’t you hungry?”
 
I quickly shook my head and pulled my eyes away to stare out the window again. I could not speak a single word, but I know she understands me. I heard her release a sigh as she gave my head a soft pat before walking away to head back to the kitchen.
 
I know my mom is upset, but I can’t leave this spot just yet.
 
He will come by any minute now and I don’t want to miss even a single day without seeing his face. 
 
For two seconds…
 
Those precious seconds that I get to gaze at him as he skillfully delivers the morning paper is the highest point of my daily life.
 
It’s foolish, but it’s true.
 
6:00 am, on the dot… never a minute late… 
 
For two seconds:
 
One, he’ll stop his bike and step his right foot on the curb to keep his balance.
 
Two, he’ll pull out a newspaper and accurately land it on our porch.
 
And before the count of three… he’d be gone.
 
Just like that.
 
Just like that and my day is complete.
 
It’s the only chance that I get to see him, but I would not complain.
 
I’m happy enough with just like that.
 
And it’s like this…
 
Every day...
 
When we first moved into this neighborhood about three months ago, I was so depressed. Things really aren’t easy when you’re a newb. No one wanted to play with me. No one would talk to me except for mom. Unlike in our old neighborhood, everyone here made me feel like I was invisible. 
 
If only I could speak, I wanted to tell mom how much I hated this town.
 
Meeting him changed everything.
 
“Is this yours?”
 
I was about to get back in the house when I heard that voice. I turned around to make sure that I was the one being spoken to…
 
And that’s when I saw the sweetest smile…
 
His beautiful sparkling eyes stared directly into mine.
 
Thump.
 
Thump.
 
Thump.
 
He stepped forward and presented his lovely and slender hand which held my doll.
 
His cute face shone like sunshine brightening up my gloomy day.
 
Thump.
 
Thump.
 
Thump.
 
I feared he might hear my heart beating so loud, so without thinking, I snatched my doll and ran inside.
 
I could have at least said thank you…
 
If only I could speak.
 
6:00 am. 
 
Here I am sitting by the window again.
 
One, he stopped his bike and stepped his right foot on the curb to keep his balance.
 
Two, he took out a newspaper and threw it on the porch.
 
Three, he looked my way and smiled.
 
Before the count of---
 
Wait---
 
What?!
 
My name is Amber; I have an unrequited love…
 
---
 
---...
 
…???
 
Or is it?

Part two can be read here: Link    



© AmaranthLevana 2010

Would You Forgive Me?

(an expression of a love that's been pushed too far...)

Would you forgive me for saying goodbye,
For leaving your side without asking why,
Why you didn't come and why you didn't care,
When you heard that I almost died in despair?

Would you forgive me for giving up on you,
Without even listening to your reasons why,
Why you hurt me; why you didn't love me true,
Why your purpose in life is just to make me cry?

Would you forgive me for letting go
Of the vows we made without knowing why?
Why you covered my face with a pillow one night,
I didn't know the reason I should've asked why.

I'm sorry I shouldn't have left you,
Now you have no one to polish your shoes,
No one to wash and iron your clothes,
No one to beat up when you get home.

I'm sorry, but I've just grown weak,
I just wanted to get out of this marriage quick.
So when I saw that big oak tree,
I hung myself and now I'm free.

For all of these, honey...
Would you forgive me?




© AmaranthLevana 2010 

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Prologue: An Angel’s fall…


“From the moment that you were created and placed into this world, your destiny has already been decided… you breathe for only one reason: and that is to fulfill your life’s purpose…”

As I felt my body being pulled by an unknown force, further away from the light that has always sheltered me, these words kept echoing in my head as if keeping me company as I await the end of this distressingly extensive journey which seemed to have already taken an eternity. I have long passed the feeling of excitement and anticipation. Whatever anxiety I felt when I left home has already evaded me.
Before I took the leap, I was certain that I was ready to face whatever awaits me at the bottom of the pit… but right at this moment… as I sense my emotions being carried away by the strong cold wind, I realize that I’m not so sure anymore. Is there any way to turn back? I can only laugh at myself for even thinking that. I have already come this far and now I’m already thinking of returning. It’s not just the feeling of uncertainty and I definitely have no sense of trepidation… it’s the excruciating wait that’s killing me and turning every inch of me numb.
I don’t care anymore.
Well, come to think of it: I don’t even have a clear reason for jumping off.
This has always been my problem… I very easily get bored. My father always said that I have too much eccentricity and my impulsiveness would get me in trouble one day, though I believed what he said, I never really listened. The eagerness of hearing my own heart beat loudly and the sensation of having my blood pump out of proportions is what pushes me to do the extreme. Now I ask myself: Is this extreme enough?
The light that I have been from has now completely vanished from my sight, now all that surrounds me is darkness. I shifted my view to try and search for the other end, but there was nothing. Where is the other end of this freaking pipe?! It seems like I have to endure another eternity in this great fall which I have spent my whole life being curious about but that has now been reduced to being meaningless. Can I curse my father for telling me not to do it when he already knew that I would just do the exact opposite?
With nothing to look at anymore, there was nothing left to do. I closed my eyes hoping for a dream to come rescue me from this dullness… allowing my mind to wander off to a different world--- taking me away from this emptiness…
I wasn’t disappointed…


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