..whatever..

---Literature and Artworks by Amaranth Levana---
*All images/artworks/literature/blurbs in this blog are all by me (and the three voices in my head), unless stated otherwise. For special permissions please contact YuAmaLev via email amaranth.levana21@gmail.com*

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Spiders and Butterflies





PART 1: Spider Web

How hard is it to let go of a love which continuously hurts you?

I’m not sure… but I know that in my case, that’s not even an option.

Forcing your feelings on someone would not make them reciprocate; I’ve learned that first hand.

This love hurts… but I deserve every pain… It’s all because I took something for granted… and it’s now too late for regrets.



It’s hard to love someone who’s grown to hate you, but what’s more painful is that you can never be numb enough to forget.

The pain would just pierce deeper and deeper into your heart…

Stabbing…

Drowning…

Suffocating…

Making you wish that it could just kill you…

But it won’t.

The pain would always be there…

…Persistent…

Agonizing…

Mocking you with its existence…

It will drain every volt of energy that you have in your system only to be regenerated for you to be tormented again and again.



Like the way a spider would carry on weaving its web no matter how many times it breaks, you could never stop your own heart from loving…

Feeling…

Embracing the pain…

The spider would spin its web until its death…

You will continue to love until your last breath…

This is the kind of love that I have…

The kind that I can never let go no matter how hard I wish for it to disappear…

“Jillian, it’s time for your medicine.”

I looked up at my friend who was standing beside my bed. I saw the sad look in her eyes as she gazed upon me. She forced a smile, but I can read what was running through her mind.

Cancer at stage 4 could not mean anything else.

The ripper would soon come for me…

“Thank you, Liz.”

I sat up and obliged in taking the medications that we both know would hardly help with my condition.

I have long accepted my fate…

For it’s my only escape…

I can finally rest…

And my heart would no longer ache…

“I’ve already sent your gift. Are you sure you don’t want to call him to let him know?”

I shook my head and threw Liz a smile filled with gratitude.

“No. I wouldn’t want to bother him. I just wanted to at least send him a gift for his birthday and I hope that he likes it this time.”

Liz touched my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“I’m sure he would.”

I hope so…

Because---

This is the last one.

The gift that I sent him is a video I made. It is a compilation of the memories of us together; the most that I can find.

I really hope that he would not be annoyed…

Anyway, this is my last gift…

A gift to show how much I treasured the moments I spent with him…

…To thank him…

To show how much I love him…

And to say how sorry I am for hurting him before…

I’m no longer asking for forgiveness or for him to love me the same way as he once did…

All I want now is to let him know and understand---

My love---

My regret---

My gratitude---

Those times that he rejected me in the past no longer matter… but please, just for this last time…



Like a spider that’s spun its final masterpiece…

I lay in bed with my aching heart…

Wishing that the wind would be kind---

Not to blow my last hope away…


PART 2: Wish…

Loving---

Is not having someone perfect to love,

But to have someone to love perfectly;

It is not to hold on to for all time,

But about setting it free when it chooses to fly.

Letting go---

Is not a choice for us to make,

But a must when they wish to leave;

It is not about losing a fight,

But about fighting only for what’s right.



Setting someone free does not stand for loving that person any less.

Sometimes, letting go just might be the only means to show you love that person, if you failed in all the other ways.



I’m a person who failed in all other things, though I know I tried my best.

Setting her free was the only way I could think of---

To let her find her happiness---

I had to stay away---

---

Tomorrow is my birthday and like in the past years, this day I received a package from Jillian.

I hope it’s not something expensive.

She always sends me expensive gifts and knowing her, she probably is in need of cash herself, that’s why I always send her gifts back.

I’m worried she would misunderstand my gesture, but I’m more worried that she would be going on tight budget just because she had to buy me that birthday present.

I always wonder how she’s doing. Although we stayed in touch I never wanted to pry too much about her life.

This is the difficult part about giving space…

Sometimes you lay too much emptiness that nothing else could occupy it but pride.

My Jillian has a lot of that…

We both do.

God knows how much I miss her.

I really want to see her, but I fear that I just might get in the way of her chase.

There’s nothing that I want more but for her to finally be contented, and I promised myself I have to endure leaving her alone until she does.

I’ve controlled too much of her life before and this is the only way that she can grow on her own…

And then maybe, she’ll finally want to come back to me after her long journey...

Just like the old times…

Just My Jilly and I…

Ring! Ring! Ring!

“Hello?”

“Mr. Frank Richards?”

“Yes.”

“My name is Liz. I’m Jillian’s friend.”

I don’t know why, but my heart started to beat like crazy the moment I heard Jillian’s name being mentioned by the shaky voice of the female caller.

“I- Is something wrong?” I heard my own voice shake. It’s like the nerves of that woman was magically transmitted through the lines.

“Jillian---“the female voice, I think she said her name was Liz, started to sound like she was crying and that sent multitudes of spears right through my chest. I wanted to yell at her and tell her to stop, but I felt too weak and helpless just with the million negative thoughts that started to run through my head.

“---she’s gone…”Liz, I’m pretty sure that’s her name, finally continued after a whole eternity of pause in twilight zone.

I felt my whole body tremble. My mind suddenly went blank and I---

Hold on…

Did I hear right?

“She passed away at 2pm today…”Liz, yes, that’s her name, confirmed.

I don’t know what happened next. I just felt my whole body go numb. Like someone stuck me inside a freezer to ice over.

My Jillian…

Will never come back…



Two months after Jillian was buried, I found that unopened package again…

The one that she sent me for my birthday…

The one that I received right before I was told of her passing…

As I opened the wrapping, I wished that it was not something expensive… because I would not be able to send it back…

It’s an MD.

I put the MD in the player and sat on the couch to watch the video Jillian made.

I could no longer hold back my tears as I recalled all of the memories that she purposely reminded me using that mini disc.

There’s no use trying to act tough now…

At the end, I felt my heart stop when I saw her face, sweetly smiling at the camera.

“I have three things to say:”Jillian’s voice is cheery as always.

“Thank you… I’m sorry… and I love you…”

Despite her effort to remain merry, a tear fell on her lovely cheek inevitably… and I wished so much that I had the power to wipe it away.

It was a long pause while she tried to compose herself and I lingered on staring at my beautiful angel.

“I hope you like this and don’t send it back to me---“

I unconsciously nodded at her and she beamed as if she saw what I just did.

“Happy Birthday, daddy…”

Touching the screen, I made believe that my hand could reach her.

“May your wishes come true…”



If I could have one wish granted…

I wish…

That I can hold my little girl in my arms once again…

My little Jilly who grew up so fast and left too soon…

My beautiful Butterfly who has flown too far away…



© AmaranthLevana 2010 

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