..whatever..

---Literature and Artworks by Amaranth Levana---
*All images/artworks/literature/blurbs in this blog are all by me (and the three voices in my head), unless stated otherwise. For special permissions please contact YuAmaLev via email amaranth.levana21@gmail.com*

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Silent Love Confessions 1-2: Library



**this is Part 2. Part 1 of this story is here: Link**


Library Part 2: Sorry…


“I’m sorry, Camilla.”


Sorry…

A word so simple… so plain… yet so deep. What does it really mean to feel sorry? Is it that nagging feeling of lament over something you lost? Is it the enormous regret for letting things happen when you know you could have just avoided it? Is it that intense pain stabbing your heart as you walk away from the most important thing you could have possibly had? Is it the same thing as acknowledging the guilt of leaving and at the same time losing? Is it inflicting pain on someone while receiving twice the blow? Or is it the frustration of knowing, but not knowing what to do?


If it is… then that was exactly what Andrew was feeling.


Andrew turned and walked away feeling a terrible pain in his chest… each step felt so heavy… his mind kept repeating his own words…


“I’m sorry.”


Feeling sorry…


…So sorry…


He turned back only to find Camilla still watching him. There was not even a bit of anger to taint her tender angelic face. She just looked at him with her gentle eyes, a small calm smile on her lips. It was as if she was telling him not to worry… don’t be sorry…


It’s unfair isn’t it? Being the one who rejected but feeling the most regret…


He wished she would not look at him that way… he hoped she would just be angry… it was his entire fault to begin with… if only he left her alone, there wouldn’t have been broken hearts… there wouldn’t have been a reason to say sorry…


“Will I see you again tomorrow, Camilla?”


The way her face brightened up sent trillions of tiny needles to prick his heart.


“Maybe.”


Unlike all the other times, he couldn’t force himself to smile. It was as if from the depths of his soul he knew, it’s not “maybe” but more probably “maybe not”.


The world outside his box goes on moving…


The clock will soon resume its ticking…


When the clock’s face changes, will he ever see Camilla again?


Maybe not.


It has always been “maybe not”… There had never been an assurance of how long he could keep Camilla inside that box with him… That’s the reason why there were no promises…


But which would be a greater regret?


He felt his own feet move. An invisible force pulled him to get closer to Camilla’s sweet smile. He slowly reached out his hand to touch Camilla’s cheek and he felt a warm tear fall on it from her eye.


Hush…


There was no need for words…


In that library, where silence is the only language spoken and understood by everyone, two hearts feed on sorry…


Sorry for they know everything will soon end…


Sorry for the future that will never come…




-=Epilogue: Conclusion to a dream…


“Can I help you?”


Camilla could only give the old man she had purposely disturbed while he was silently mourning a shy smile.


“My name is Camilla. I knew your son, Andrew.”


The old man watched as the girl who was burnt all over her arms and legs knelt down on the grass and touched his son’s gravestone. He’d never met her before but it was like she had been so close to Andrew.


“Were you in that library when it caught fire?”


Camilla nodded.



"My son never made it to the hospital... he died instantly. I always hope it hadn't been too painful for him..."


"It wasn't. He said he lost consciousness and wasn't even aware of what happened."




"What?" By this time, the old man could only think that the girl had gone crazy...


“I was saved but was comatose…”


When the girl raised her head to look at the man, he saw tears flowing endlessly from her eyes. He felt an indescribable chill run through his spine when she continued…


“And then I met your son…”


Silent Love Confessions: Library END. =-




© AmaranthLevana 2010 

Silent Love Confessions 1: Library



Library Part 1: Hush…

“I am armed with sarcasm and a truck-load of adjectives; so don’t mess with me!” Camilla loudly whispered at Andrew, trying hard to control the tone of her voice as not to disturb the other students in the library. She was gripping her pen with both hands and it seemed like it would snap in two at any minute due to the intensity of the aggravation she was trying to suppress. She felt that a good amount of blood started to rush up her cheeks as she glared at the bothersome guy who just imperturbably went out of his way to plainly irritate her like he always does.

Camilla knows that she should have gotten used to his nonchalant high jinks by now after two months of habitually being bugged by him, but she just finds herself getting more and more irritated by him everyday especially when she has always liked him since the very first time he struck her with his remarkable almost too perfect face. Every day, at exactly two thirty in the afternoon, she would sit on that very same spot in the library with her homework and then five minutes (up to ten minutes max) later Andrew would come with his mischievous no-fail cracks to annoy her.

“Ok, ok… I’m sorry…” Andrew said holding in a snicker. The adorable smile on his face made Camilla blush even more. He threw his hands in the air to signal defeat as he slowly took a seat on the spot beside her. He reached for Camilla’s tensed hands and gently lowered them to rest on the table. Camilla felt her heart beat double-time as she found herself become tranquil just by the feel of his touch. Every scrap of frustration she felt earlier quickly vanished until all that was left was that appalling pounding on her chest. She felt the air of his breath as he leaned closer to her to investigate what she had finished on her notes so far which made her heart jump an inch out of place. “You’re writing a review on Shakespeare’s plays? Wow, you’re a geek.”

She felt embarrassed but she knew that Andrew used the “geek” word on her as a compliment. She smirked as she pulled away her notes and put it inside her bag. “I’m just preparing for my dream of becoming a great writer someday.” She threw him a smug look and Andrew just scoffed. “Well, good luck with that, Miss Sleepyhead.” Camilla felt something block her throat when she thought of a rhetoric reply to his remark. In the end, no matter how sarcastic or annoyed she was feeling, she couldn’t get herself to say it.

Camilla always disliked losing cope on anything next to her revulsion to trailing behind in an argument. She detested not being able to take full charge of the things she does and the things she feels, but being with Andrew, it was as if there was something else inside her trying to take control of her. Something inside her was able to overthrow the power of her obsessive-compulsive nature and she was not particularly pleased about it.

She could pass up coming at the same time every day. She could simply sit at a different spot. She could just change her routine. She could just completely skip coming to the library altogether to avoid Andrew and his shenanigans, but she just couldn’t get herself to do so. It occurred to Camilla that though she finds him exasperating at times, he still provided the only highlight of her boring college life. Thus, she allowed herself to be annoyed and at the same time entertained by the unusual friendship they share only inside that library from last period till five.

“Will I see you again tomorrow, Camilla?” Andrew would ask her that every day when it was time for her to go, and every time, he would have a serious look on his face which made Camilla want to stay a little longer if only she could.

“Maybe” is the only answer Camilla could give him, but uncertain as her reply is every time, Andrew would smile sweetly with so much hope that they will see each other again. That simple gentle gesture was enough to make Camilla anticipate coming back to that library the next day and, as she secretly hopes, for more days to come.

As more and more days passed, Camilla slowly felt that the feelings that she had for Andrew could no longer be kept. She feared that the relationship between them might change if she ever told him what her heart was trying to convey, but she dreaded that if she doesn’t take the chance to let him know, she’ll never be able to say it. She is certain that Andrew would at any case drift away from her, that’s why she has decided that she will let him know her feelings before anything else.

It would be really easy if they were in a different situation… but the dilemma that they are in is much too complicated. They have started that “friendship” just for the sake of being with a companion. She was lonely…. He was lonely… two lonely people afraid of losing grasp of sanity just like all the other lonely people around them.

She needed someone to comfort her… she needed someone to help her forget about the boredom she was feeling while she waits for the clock to start ticking again… Who would have ever thought that such feelings could develop inside her?

And he needed her…

Someone to talk to… someone to laugh with… someone to make him feel that he isn’t at all invisible while he existed in that stationary box at the middle of the constantly moving world…

That’s all she is for Andrew... and maybe that is all she’ll ever be.

Hush…

The golden rule inside that library…

Hush…

Everyone ignored her existence while they indulged in their own private worlds…

Silent…

Unnoticed…

She existed in a world that wouldn’t acknowledge her…

…But Andrew…

“I love you.”

“What?”

“I’m in love with you, Andrew.”

With a screaming heart, she watched as the bright smile slowly vanished from Andrew’s gentle face.

“I’m sorry, Camilla.”

And with that… it was goodbye…

*** Silent Love Confessions: Library is continued here: Link***




© AmaranthLevana 2010

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Lies...


You said you loved me,
You swore to never leave me,
That you'd always adore me,
Cherish me, protect me...
You lied...

You promised forever,
You'd stay here by my side,
Keep me warm day and night,
In any harm you'd hold me tight...
You lied...

You told me that I'm the one,
The one you'd grow old with,
The one you'd share everything with,
The one who you'd die with...
You lied...

You said there will be no one else,
That your love was mine alone,
Your whole heart, body and soul,
As your girl, only I could play the role...
You lied...

Now you're telling me,
There's someone new in your life,
That I have to let you go,
Set you free, let you fly.

You say you love her so,
That she's everything your heart knows,
Her beauty you can't resist,
Without her you can no longer exist.

I tried to lie to you to,
Tell you I never really loved you,
Tell you I don't really care,
If your forever with another girl you'd share.

But my eyes betray me,
My tears keep flowing endlessly,
The pain in me grows rapidly,
So I know I can't lie to you like you did to me.

You could have left me with my pride,
You could have kept lying and stayed by my side,
Whatever you say I'd believe,
Even though your words do deceive.

I know this may not sound so wise,
But I'm begging you to come back into my life,
Come back and love me true, otherwise,
Come back to me and tell me again those lies.

 

© AmaranthLevana 2010 

Sunday, August 15, 2010

WISH


I wish I was that drop of tear falling from your eye,
I'll flow slowly down your cheek and rest on your lips,
I'll grant you release from that pain you feel,
I can kiss you to heal you being just a drop of tear.


I wish I was that star you wish on each night,
I'll watch over you and you'll stare up for me too,
I can give you hope and the will to fight,
Though distant I can be with you being just a star in the night.


I wish I was that bottle of wine you drink,
I'll accompany you in your sorrow and sadness,
You'll hold me tightly in your hand and your lips would touch mine,
I can help you forget your troubles being just a bottle of wine.


How I wish that I was your favorite song,
My melody will run through your head all day long,
With each line or phrase I'll inspire you,
And touch your heart simply by being just a song.


© AmaranthLevana 2010 


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