..whatever..

---Literature and Artworks by Amaranth Levana---
*All images/artworks/literature/blurbs in this blog are all by me (and the three voices in my head), unless stated otherwise. For special permissions please contact YuAmaLev via email amaranth.levana21@gmail.com*

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Silent Love Confessions 3: The Lily Guy





Every day, whenever I walk out of the door of my apartment, I see him sitting on the bench right across the street, holding a bundle of pink lilies. It had been about a month ago since I first saw him there. I call him “The Lily Guy”, because I know absolutely nothing about him, except that he always sits on that exact same spot with those lilies in his hand.


When I first saw him there, I immediately noticed how handsome he was, but of course, I’m always in a hurry that I don’t have the time to look at him any longer than five seconds. But five seconds is enough, because without fail, he would always look my way, and smile. I’ll see him there in the morning before I go to work and by the time I get back in the afternoon, he’d be gone. I know I can’t expect him to stay there the whole day, but something in me feels lonely whenever I see that bench empty. And as days passed, I found the loneliness weighing heavier, like a bag of stones hanging around my neck which I carry with me until the next morning when I see his sweet smile again.


For so many years, I had never felt this kind of loneliness. I’m not sure I even know the meaning of that word, because I had always been fine being all by myself. I never understood why my parents cried so much when I decided to leave our province to work here in the big city. They always call and say they miss me, asking me to come home, but all I could think about is how much more of a better life I could provide them by staying here. Among my friends, I’m the only one who hasn’t experienced crying because some guy left me, perhaps I’ve never really met someone I’d actually feel lost without. I’m not sure if there’s something wrong with me being like this, but all I know is that I’m happy with how I am. I’m someone who always just looks ahead and it had done me well all these years…


So how come I feel this way now? Why do I feel this sort of void from within my heart just because of someone I don’t even know? I’m sure The Lily Guy doesn’t even feel the same thing as I do. For him, I’m probably just someone he happens to greet every morning while he waits for his special someone. Yes, I’ve thought about it before… who else could he be waiting to meet early in the morning with a bunch of pretty flowers in his hand? I can’t expect to mean anything to him and he should be the same way with me, but I can’t stop myself from feeling sad whenever I find that bench empty… with thoughts running through my head like what he could be doing out on a date with his girlfriend or how his girlfriend reacts whenever he shows up with those pretty pink lilies… I couldn’t help it…


I feel…


I---


I like lilies…


But it shouldn’t matter because they’re not for me…


So is that lily guy…


Not for me…


I don’t even know his name…


I shouldn’t be bothered…


I shouldn’t care…


I should just get over this feeling…


I know that I’m not supposed to let myself be pulled closer…


I know I should just get back to my usual self…


Maybe if I stop looking at his direction every morning I’ll stop thinking about him…


And that’s what’s supposed to happen…


I should forget him. I know---


So how is it possible that I’m here standing in front of him when I should be rushing off to work like usual?


“Good morning.”


Wow, his voice is as gentle as his face. No, wait! I shouldn’t even be speaking with him. This isn’t part of the plan.


“Hi. I always see you sitting here holding those flowers, so I got curious…”


Yeah. Curious…


I was only curious…


“Are you waiting for someone?”


“Yes.”


“I see. I shouldn’t be bothering you then… Bye.”


“Wait. Would you like one?” the lily guy took a stem out of the bundle and presented it with that charming sweet smile on his face.


“Isn’t that supposed to be for someone?”


“It is. But it’s fine. Take it.”


“Thank you.”


I like lilies…


And he gave me one which looked so pretty I just couldn’t resist…


Since that day, I always found a pink lily on my doorstep and whenever I looked at the guy sitting on the bench across the street, he would smile sweetly. The lily guy, I still don’t know his name, just added extra weight on my bag of stones. Maybe he isn’t even aware of what he was doing, but he’d just burrowed a deeper hole in my chest.


Every day, without fail, he would place a lily on my doorstep… A pretty pink lily to match up with his pretty smile…


It went on for a week before I realized that, as my collection of lilies increased, his bundle became thinner and thinner, until after a few more days, there was not a lily on my doorstep and he was holding just a single stem in his hand. I know it was more than just curiosity that led me to cross the street and walk over to him. In my heart I was hoping for something… a deeper meaning for his gestures…


“Who are you waiting for?”


My heart beat like crazy, and waiting for his response seemed like an eternity. I don’t know why I’m so nervous… but it’s probably because I’m hoping to hear something from him which I’ve secretly fantasized about ever since that day he first smiled at me.


I want to hear him say that he was waiting for me… that the lilies were for me… although it made no sense in the beginning; it definitely should make sense now, right? What else is there to think? There must be a reason for this single lily that he has in his hand right now…


“Do you believe that somewhere in this world, there is someone whose soul has been tied with yours? That no matter what happens, the two of you are meant to meet and be together?”


I don’t understand at all… Is he talking about soul mates... that kind of belief, which people nowadays, merely joke about? Of course I don’t believe in that. But what should I tell him? If I told him that I find it ridiculous, would he hate me? I don’t know what to do… What should I say?...


“I was waiting for you…”


Hearing those words, I felt the heavy weight on my chest vanish in an instant.


“Do you believe me?...”


He handed me the last lily and just as I held it in my hand, I heard a woman scream which made me turn my head. Sprawled on the street, I saw myself bathing in my own blood stuck beneath the wheels of a huge bus. I felt his hand on my shoulder as I stared in shock at my own lifeless body.


“We’re finally together…”



© AmaranthLevana 2010

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