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---Literature and Artworks by Amaranth Levana---
*All images/artworks/literature/blurbs in this blog are all by me (and the three voices in my head), unless stated otherwise. For special permissions please contact YuAmaLev via email amaranth.levana21@gmail.com*

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Silent Love Confessions 6: December Sky's Passion



     The very first time I laid my eyes on her, she already captured my heart.

     On a beautiful December night, when the wind blew cool gusts and the stars shone ever so bright, as I walked along the busy street where people swaggering heavy jackets and coats hustled and bustled about scampering home before midnight strikes, my attention was caught by the woman who stood under-dressed beside the tall light post just across the street. Wearing a shimmering black dress which glittered like the stars in the sky we both stood under, she battled with the cold draft bravely, standing proud, maintaining her elegance and fighting her own body’s need to shake off the iciness that had attached itself on her skin. Merely pulling her hair away on occasion whenever a breeze blew it over her face, she did nothing else but just stand there with her eyes staring blankly at the wide road before her… her lips were pursed and her eyes were almost as cold as the icy air which half-froze her cheeks.       

     Only when my digital watch let out a startling beep which echoed through the air of the now nearly vacant place, I realized that I had been staring at that woman across the street for almost an hour. I can’t even recall how and when exactly did the crowd thin out until I’m left alone standing outside in the cold. All I could think of was that I was caught in a trance just watching the woman watch an invisible vision on the road under the glow of the light post causing her dress to reflect the light making her shine as if she was wearing the very lovely sky of that particular December night. But even after realizing that I had just welcomed Christmas Day on the streets, I couldn’t force myself to leave that place much less evade my eyes from the beautiful lady shining her own glow beneath the big incandescent bulb.  

     I just stood there watching her as if I was waiting for something… but what exactly? Was I waiting to see how long she could hold in her shiver? Was I waiting to find out just how long she was going to stand there and keep staring at nothing? I’m not really sure, but I knew it was impossible for me to fight the urge inside me that wants to keep staring at her. The longer I looked at her I realized that she began to look lovelier every second. Her beauty grew so much that my eyes have been blinded, my heart danced in its own rhythm and I was completely trapped inside that moment of her enchantment.

     It seemed like forever, but when she finally averted her gaze from the nothingness that she was watching, I became conscious of what I was waiting for. She turned her head towards my direction and our eyes met. It might have been just my imagination that I saw sorrow in that lovely face which vanished in the blink of an eye to make room for her beautiful smile.

     In my heart I knew I was waiting for just that… for her to notice me… for her to be aware of my presence… for her to know that I was just right there watching her… and for her to smile at me just like that…

     …So lovely that my heart skipped a beat…

     I wasn’t fully prepared for such charm after all.

    Even though the wind blew so cold… even though the streets were empty and silent… with that beautiful smile igniting her lovely radiance, my whole body warmed and my head was filled with music.

     At that moment I knew--- I found something valuable…

***

     It’s already been two months since that magical Christmas Eve when I met Laura. That very same night we spent hours just talking and walking around until our feet ached and the sun came up. I asked her what she was doing there and she only said that she was looking for something which she wasn’t even sure what. We discovered a lot of things about each other and realized how much we had in common. She is an artist and I’m a writer, and we both lack that one thing…

     …Inspiration…

     Talent can be developed…

     Skills could be learned…

     …But finding that special something to give you the boost to grasp your passion… not everyone has that…

     And that’s what Laura and I have both been looking for…

     …Until that fateful December night…

     The way we met and how we progressed in our relationship so quickly seem so unreal. It’s like living in a dream which could end at any second. If I wasn’t holding her hand, kissing her soft lips or wrapping her in my arms, I wouldn’t feel the security that all of it is indeed reality. The way my heart pounds whenever I hold her, the way she drowns me with her sweet scent, the way my hands tremble for wanting to touch her smooth skin and the way my mind goes blank whenever I see her sweet smile… I’m confident… I have found that something that has been lacking in my life for so long.

     And I don’t intend to ever let it go…

     Laura is the one. I knew that the very moment I laid my eyes on her.

     “You’ve finally finished your painting.”

     “Yes. What do you think?” Ah, her lovely smile which always makes me want to reach up the sky and grab a star for her…

     “It’s astonishing. What do you plan to do with it? Will you sell it?”

     “No. This is for you, Ken. I never would have been able to create this if I hadn’t met you.”

     There was nothing that I could say. Not even words like “Thank you” or anything to express my gratitude. I just felt that at that moment, I wanted to kiss her… kiss her until she was out of breath… hold her so tight she wouldn’t be able to move… and love her… love her so much she’d understand exactly how much her existence means to me.

     “I love you, Laura.”

     Never in my life had I felt so much happiness… never had I experienced such madness… such helplessness… All I want is her… All I need is her…

     …Laura…

     I lived in a dream where I was free… and never had I thought that the dream could end abruptly…

     When I woke up, my arms were empty. The bed beside me where Laura had laid felt cold. Her scent still lingered on the pillows and sheets, but where her beautiful head was supposed to be, a note was sitting instead.

     “Thank you” and “Goodbye” were the only words written on that piece of paper above the artsy way she signed her name. Without even a tiny effort to explain herself, she left.

     It’s unacceptable in every way! How could something so special be set aside so nonchalantly? I knew that she felt the same way as me, even though she never said anything. Because it’s just that way it is when you look at the eyes of the person whom you share mutual feelings with. So, why? How? What happened? Million questions ran through my mind but every single one of them was left unanswered.

     I tried looking for her, but never succeeded. At first I planned on begging for her to come back, after some time I realized, I just want to know the reason why she left just like that, until I grew tired of my own pain that I just tried to forget. Days… Weeks… Months and even years quickly passed but her memories still remained. The painting she made for me sat silent on one corner of the room which was once filled with laughter. I thought many times that I should get rid of it but every time I try, a force from within me stops me from doing so.

     Because of the overflowing feelings that welled up inside of me I knew I needed to write again. I had to let all the pain out before it consumes my sanity… and for the first time… I’ve written something that actually came from my heart. My own emotions purged and poured into a literary piece…

     It was at that moment I felt I could finally do it… and I did…

     I finally let go… not of the emotion… not of the memories… but of Laura…

     No matter what her reason was… no matter how much I’ve selfishly wanted to keep her with me… no matter how strong my feelings were for her… no matter how much I forced myself to forget her… it all leads to one thing…

     …Because of her, I was able to write again and be satisfied…

     …Because she came into my life and left…

     …Because she broke my heart and made me experience something that I’ve never had before meeting her…

     I was able to create my own masterpiece…

     And perhaps I should be thankful in some way…

***

     Six years since that unforgettable December night, here I am again walking the busy street where I first saw her. I really can’t forget... the same chilly wind and lovely sky reminds me of that memorable meeting like it was yesterday. I still picture her standing beneath the light post, her long hair dancing with the cold wind, her black dress sparkling like the stars in the sky and the graceful way she tilted her head to throw me a lovely smile.

     I know she wouldn’t be there, because for the first couple of years I’ve deliberately stalked this place and never saw even a shadow of her, but that hopeless thought was still unable to stop my own eyes from following the direction of the light post where I first saw Laura.

     My whole world stopped just as my eyes fell on her…

     Laura… it’s definitely her on that exact same spot.

     For a few seconds I thought that I was hallucinating, but when she threw a shy smile, I became aware that I wasn’t. It’s really Laura… I don’t even know how to feel… I’ve always hoped to see her again but I haven’t really prepared myself. My heart had never been prepared for this moment…

     The smile which six years ago drove me to the edge of happiness now seemed like a lit match waiting to burn the thread that held my rationality. What else is left to do? Should I question her now that I’ve decided not to care anymore? Should I talk to her again and reopen the still aching wounds in my heart? I had questions before but none of those matters to me now. I’ve struggled so much to let her go and should I waste all the effort of doing so by crossing the street and taking her in my arms?

     She gave a slight nod of her head and I found myself nodding back. I curved my lips to return her smile and walked on… there’s no turning back…

(Note: Because of the themes of my stories, I’m beginning to be labeled as a “tragic writer”, I’m not sure I want a label on my work just yet, but I also cannot push myself to force a happy ending on a story when I don’t feel like doing so. Therefore, I left the ending for this one open for the readers to decide. Which direction did Ken take?) ^.^ 

 © AmaranthLevana 2010

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Love at First Sight


Finally, I’d get to see him again. I couldn’t even remember when the last time I saw him was, but I remember very well the first time I did. I was sixteen years old then, a high school senior, a typical teen-aged girl filled with angst and insecurities. Back then, I never believed in love at first sight, I didn’t believe in love in general. All I believed in was that I should have fun while I was young and I did. Nothing else mattered as long as I was alive. I lived for myself. I lived on my own. Looking back at those younger years before I met him, I don’t know if I should laugh at how stupid I was or cry at how much I’ve been through, but the past doesn’t matter now, does it? It was such a mess that I just chose to forget most of it anyway. The only good thing I can really look back to was the very first time that I saw his face.


When I first laid my eyes on him, I knew immediately that it was love. His beautiful eyes that laughed when he smiled, his smooth skin so white and clean, his pinkish lips, his lovely nose, his dark curly hair that moved with the slightest touch of wind… everything… everything about him was perfect. To me, he was perfect. It was the first time that I ever felt that way… like everything that happened in the past, every little thing that I have going on in my life, and every big thing I fear in the coming future… everything became so insignificant compared to him. My whole mind was instantly filled with just the thoughts of him and my heart stopped just so his name could take its place in it.


It only took a single glance for my whole world to turn around… just a split-second to realize that it was love.


Love for the very first time and it was love at first sight…


Falling in love for the first time in my life felt so unfamiliar, yet amazing. It was like waking up every morning inside a dream. Everything was wonderful… I was overwhelmed with inspiration. I smiled more often… I laughed more often… I felt my heart become filled with a bitter-sweet emotion… and oddly enough, it was the greatest feeling. Every time I looked at his sweet smile, I found my reason to breathe… I saw my ambition become clear… and I looked forward to the future that I have always dreaded to reach…  


I never knew that it was even possible to have such an emotion but my love for him grew and grew each and every day that passed. It grew so much until I’ve been overpowered by it… it grew to the extent that it became frightening.


There were times when I wished that time would stop just so we could be together longer. I even wished the whole world would turn around and leave us alone just with each other.


I loved him too much that I’ve wanted him selfishly…


I’ve loved him unrequitedly… unconditionally for three whole years before I heard him say that he loved me too. That moment, I’ve decided to hold on to him, love him forever and never let him go… but judging by the way I’ve described how I was in the past, I have a history of screwing things up.


And I screwed up, big time.


I couldn’t believe it actually happened… but sometimes people can become so vulnerable…


I met temptation and fell in love for the second time.


A moment of madness… a moment of weakness… a moment of stupidity and everything flew away in an instant.


I never stopped loving him, but I also don’t know what came over me. I don’t know why it felt so easy at that time… I just left him.


I left him with the look of hurt and detest on his face deeply carved in my memory. When I walked out on him, I heard him call me back so many times but I didn’t even turn my head. Idiotically even feeling proud about myself… I left him.


I left him and I regret so much that I did… because I realized too late that I would never really love anyone else aside from him.


He was my whole life and I was his. We had something so wonderful and I ruined everything.


If only I had been stronger… If only I had been satisfied with our love… If only I had fought off the seduction of worldly desires… I wouldn’t have had to suffer so much pain those cruel past years have brought upon me. We could have continued to be happy. We could have fulfilled our dreams. We could have been together forever…


But the funny thing about “What If’s” is that--- they’re just there to make you see the things that you could have had but would never will. It’s like mocking you with the thought of all your stupid mistakes that you could have done better but didn’t. It’s like drowning you in beautiful illusions while striking you on the head with the iron hammer of reality.


Regretting the past…


Fearing the future…


That has always been me…


If I’d had another chance at life, I might want to do things differently… but then again maybe not, because he might not have come into my life. It’s confusing… thinking about all of it is exhausting…


I regret most of my past, except for the part when I experienced my first love.


I fear the future, except for the second when he finally walks through that door.


***


I didn’t make it in time. When I reached the room where she waited off her last remaining days, she was no longer breathing. She still looked as beautiful as the last time I saw her although the lines on her face showed that the years have not been particularly good to her. Her skin was pale, her hands were cold… but on her lips she wore a little smile.


I still remember the terrible pain I felt when she first left me. I recall how much I cursed her for betraying me. I went through my life hating her for walking out on me… but looking at her now I realized… I was so wrong for shoving her off when she tried to come back to me.


I never really stopped loving her.


I’ve always been waiting for her to come back to me.


I don’t know why I pushed her away… but no matter how much I try to take everything back they’ll all mean nothing but regrets.


Regrets that make me wish I could turn back the hands of time.


I wish I could have gotten to her sooner...


I wish I could have told her that I still love her… I’ve always loved her… I always will love her…


I wish I could have made her feel my hand holding hers… I could have hugged her… I could have kissed her…


Most importantly, I could have told her:


“I’m sorry… I love you… and I forgive you, mom…”

© AmaranthLevana 2010

Monday, October 4, 2010

Silent Love Confessions 5: Jenny




Do you know why they say relationships aren’t easy? It’s because they’re really not. Once you decide to get into a relationship, there are a lot of things that you need to compromise, a lot of things that you need to learn and a lot of things that you need to do for its benefit. When you step into a relationship, it isn’t just you anymore… there will be that other person… that special someone that you have to think about and take into consideration regarding each and every decision you make.


When you get into a relationship, you need to invest your emotions… your time…


You will need to grow up…


A relationship is not a game; it is a commitment you make with the person you care about. It isn’t just about letting someone into your life; it’s also about invading into someone else’s.


Everyone dreams of having a happy relationship… being with someone special and sharing love… but not everyone is willing to work for it, and that’s how it ends…


It’s never easy…


It’s a two faced coin… and I learned that fact a little too late…

***


When I decided to break up with Robbie, I realized that it had been quite a while since I’ve stopped loving him… that the only reason I stayed with him was because I hoped that it could still get better. It didn’t… and I finally grew tired of it.


We were together for more than three years… and during those times I never demanded anything from him and I was always willing to continue holding on to him. I really loved him and I thought I’d continue to do so unconditionally… but quite inevitably, it reached its limit…


Robbie was not my first love… he wasn’t my great love either … but he was very special. It’s so hard to explain exactly what kind of love I had for him, but one thing is sure… it took a lot of me to finally move on… and I have to admit that it will be very hard to forget about him.


It wasn’t really all that bad for me to end up feeling apathetic about him, but I don’t know… I just wanted to change something I guess… this time; I wanted to make a decision which would no longer have to be about him and our relationship.


I’ve made enough sacrifices for the both of us…


I did everything I could for the sake of our relationship… but I guess it wasn’t enough…


I thought I could love him forever, but I was wrong…


Before I broke up with him, I assessed all the things that I’ve done for him and the things that he’s done to me. It’s painful… Looking back at those three years, I even began to pity myself…


I know it was hard for him too, but it doesn’t matter anymore.


It’s all over now…


I’m finally free…


***

I’m not even sure what happened. In a blink of an eye, my whole world changed…


I love Jenny more than she knows I do… For her, those three years that we’ve been together was just a waste, but for me… those were the happiest moments of my life. If I could just turn back the time, I’m willing to do anything… but it will be worthless if I’m the only one who wants it.


It hurts to face a life without Jenny, but what hurts most is to know that she regrets being with me.


I really don’t understand… I tried my best to keep her happy. I did all I can do to make sure that she stays with me. I believed that she loved me enough… but still…


I know I’ve made some mistakes… I’ve strayed a few times and I abused her patience… but I always made it up to her. We had fights, but we laughed hard together. There were tears, but most times we were happy. All she has on her mind are the bad times, while my heart cherishes only the good… and it’s agonizing to know that everything has ended in an instant.


I know she gave me her all… I know she loved me so much that she practically ran out…


But I’m willing to pay it all back to her if only I could have another chance.


I guess it’s true that the person who has more regrets hurts more…


Jenny showed her love for me but I always held back. I’m not sure if she even knows how much she means to me…


Perhaps if I had showed her more of my love… if I had taken better care of her… I wouldn’t have so much regret and it wouldn’t hurt this bad.


But it’s too late for regrets now…


I could only wish that she knows how much I love her… how much I still love her…


This is the last chance that I could show her my real emotions, so I’ve decided to send her my feelings with a bouquet of flowers. I remember she always whined because I never gave her flowers, so I’m hoping that this could make her forgive me…


…For everything…


***


“I love you, Jenny. I’m so sorry.”


Robbie knelt on the ground with the most beautiful bouquet of flowers that I’ve ever seen held tightly in his hands. There were tears flowing down his eyes as he tried to hold in his sobs.


As I stared down at him, I felt a tiny pinch in my heart, but I know that it was just because he was someone who held a very important place in it once upon a time… Even with his handsome face pleading and his deep lovely eyes which I have always surrendered to in the past gleaming… I could no longer find the same emotion that I once held for him…


He came to me to ask for forgiveness…


He came to tell me that he still loves me…


But I feel nothing…


Because there’s nothing left for me to do for him now…


***


“It’s time to go.”


Robbie carefully placed the flowers on top of Jenny’s grave still with the hope that he somehow managed to send her his message.


He stood up, wiped his tears and faced the two cops who would be taking him to the place where he could drown in regret for the rest of his life.





© AmaranthLevana 2010












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