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---Literature and Artworks by Amaranth Levana---
*All images/artworks/literature/blurbs in this blog are all by me (and the three voices in my head), unless stated otherwise. For special permissions please contact YuAmaLev via email amaranth.levana21@gmail.com*

Monday, October 4, 2010

Silent Love Confessions 5: Jenny




Do you know why they say relationships aren’t easy? It’s because they’re really not. Once you decide to get into a relationship, there are a lot of things that you need to compromise, a lot of things that you need to learn and a lot of things that you need to do for its benefit. When you step into a relationship, it isn’t just you anymore… there will be that other person… that special someone that you have to think about and take into consideration regarding each and every decision you make.


When you get into a relationship, you need to invest your emotions… your time…


You will need to grow up…


A relationship is not a game; it is a commitment you make with the person you care about. It isn’t just about letting someone into your life; it’s also about invading into someone else’s.


Everyone dreams of having a happy relationship… being with someone special and sharing love… but not everyone is willing to work for it, and that’s how it ends…


It’s never easy…


It’s a two faced coin… and I learned that fact a little too late…

***


When I decided to break up with Robbie, I realized that it had been quite a while since I’ve stopped loving him… that the only reason I stayed with him was because I hoped that it could still get better. It didn’t… and I finally grew tired of it.


We were together for more than three years… and during those times I never demanded anything from him and I was always willing to continue holding on to him. I really loved him and I thought I’d continue to do so unconditionally… but quite inevitably, it reached its limit…


Robbie was not my first love… he wasn’t my great love either … but he was very special. It’s so hard to explain exactly what kind of love I had for him, but one thing is sure… it took a lot of me to finally move on… and I have to admit that it will be very hard to forget about him.


It wasn’t really all that bad for me to end up feeling apathetic about him, but I don’t know… I just wanted to change something I guess… this time; I wanted to make a decision which would no longer have to be about him and our relationship.


I’ve made enough sacrifices for the both of us…


I did everything I could for the sake of our relationship… but I guess it wasn’t enough…


I thought I could love him forever, but I was wrong…


Before I broke up with him, I assessed all the things that I’ve done for him and the things that he’s done to me. It’s painful… Looking back at those three years, I even began to pity myself…


I know it was hard for him too, but it doesn’t matter anymore.


It’s all over now…


I’m finally free…


***

I’m not even sure what happened. In a blink of an eye, my whole world changed…


I love Jenny more than she knows I do… For her, those three years that we’ve been together was just a waste, but for me… those were the happiest moments of my life. If I could just turn back the time, I’m willing to do anything… but it will be worthless if I’m the only one who wants it.


It hurts to face a life without Jenny, but what hurts most is to know that she regrets being with me.


I really don’t understand… I tried my best to keep her happy. I did all I can do to make sure that she stays with me. I believed that she loved me enough… but still…


I know I’ve made some mistakes… I’ve strayed a few times and I abused her patience… but I always made it up to her. We had fights, but we laughed hard together. There were tears, but most times we were happy. All she has on her mind are the bad times, while my heart cherishes only the good… and it’s agonizing to know that everything has ended in an instant.


I know she gave me her all… I know she loved me so much that she practically ran out…


But I’m willing to pay it all back to her if only I could have another chance.


I guess it’s true that the person who has more regrets hurts more…


Jenny showed her love for me but I always held back. I’m not sure if she even knows how much she means to me…


Perhaps if I had showed her more of my love… if I had taken better care of her… I wouldn’t have so much regret and it wouldn’t hurt this bad.


But it’s too late for regrets now…


I could only wish that she knows how much I love her… how much I still love her…


This is the last chance that I could show her my real emotions, so I’ve decided to send her my feelings with a bouquet of flowers. I remember she always whined because I never gave her flowers, so I’m hoping that this could make her forgive me…


…For everything…


***


“I love you, Jenny. I’m so sorry.”


Robbie knelt on the ground with the most beautiful bouquet of flowers that I’ve ever seen held tightly in his hands. There were tears flowing down his eyes as he tried to hold in his sobs.


As I stared down at him, I felt a tiny pinch in my heart, but I know that it was just because he was someone who held a very important place in it once upon a time… Even with his handsome face pleading and his deep lovely eyes which I have always surrendered to in the past gleaming… I could no longer find the same emotion that I once held for him…


He came to me to ask for forgiveness…


He came to tell me that he still loves me…


But I feel nothing…


Because there’s nothing left for me to do for him now…


***


“It’s time to go.”


Robbie carefully placed the flowers on top of Jenny’s grave still with the hope that he somehow managed to send her his message.


He stood up, wiped his tears and faced the two cops who would be taking him to the place where he could drown in regret for the rest of his life.





© AmaranthLevana 2010












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