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---Literature and Artworks by Amaranth Levana---
*All images/artworks/literature/blurbs in this blog are all by me (and the three voices in my head), unless stated otherwise. For special permissions please contact YuAmaLev via email amaranth.levana21@gmail.com*

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Silent Love Confessions 6: December Sky's Passion



     The very first time I laid my eyes on her, she already captured my heart.

     On a beautiful December night, when the wind blew cool gusts and the stars shone ever so bright, as I walked along the busy street where people swaggering heavy jackets and coats hustled and bustled about scampering home before midnight strikes, my attention was caught by the woman who stood under-dressed beside the tall light post just across the street. Wearing a shimmering black dress which glittered like the stars in the sky we both stood under, she battled with the cold draft bravely, standing proud, maintaining her elegance and fighting her own body’s need to shake off the iciness that had attached itself on her skin. Merely pulling her hair away on occasion whenever a breeze blew it over her face, she did nothing else but just stand there with her eyes staring blankly at the wide road before her… her lips were pursed and her eyes were almost as cold as the icy air which half-froze her cheeks.       

     Only when my digital watch let out a startling beep which echoed through the air of the now nearly vacant place, I realized that I had been staring at that woman across the street for almost an hour. I can’t even recall how and when exactly did the crowd thin out until I’m left alone standing outside in the cold. All I could think of was that I was caught in a trance just watching the woman watch an invisible vision on the road under the glow of the light post causing her dress to reflect the light making her shine as if she was wearing the very lovely sky of that particular December night. But even after realizing that I had just welcomed Christmas Day on the streets, I couldn’t force myself to leave that place much less evade my eyes from the beautiful lady shining her own glow beneath the big incandescent bulb.  

     I just stood there watching her as if I was waiting for something… but what exactly? Was I waiting to see how long she could hold in her shiver? Was I waiting to find out just how long she was going to stand there and keep staring at nothing? I’m not really sure, but I knew it was impossible for me to fight the urge inside me that wants to keep staring at her. The longer I looked at her I realized that she began to look lovelier every second. Her beauty grew so much that my eyes have been blinded, my heart danced in its own rhythm and I was completely trapped inside that moment of her enchantment.

     It seemed like forever, but when she finally averted her gaze from the nothingness that she was watching, I became conscious of what I was waiting for. She turned her head towards my direction and our eyes met. It might have been just my imagination that I saw sorrow in that lovely face which vanished in the blink of an eye to make room for her beautiful smile.

     In my heart I knew I was waiting for just that… for her to notice me… for her to be aware of my presence… for her to know that I was just right there watching her… and for her to smile at me just like that…

     …So lovely that my heart skipped a beat…

     I wasn’t fully prepared for such charm after all.

    Even though the wind blew so cold… even though the streets were empty and silent… with that beautiful smile igniting her lovely radiance, my whole body warmed and my head was filled with music.

     At that moment I knew--- I found something valuable…

***

     It’s already been two months since that magical Christmas Eve when I met Laura. That very same night we spent hours just talking and walking around until our feet ached and the sun came up. I asked her what she was doing there and she only said that she was looking for something which she wasn’t even sure what. We discovered a lot of things about each other and realized how much we had in common. She is an artist and I’m a writer, and we both lack that one thing…

     …Inspiration…

     Talent can be developed…

     Skills could be learned…

     …But finding that special something to give you the boost to grasp your passion… not everyone has that…

     And that’s what Laura and I have both been looking for…

     …Until that fateful December night…

     The way we met and how we progressed in our relationship so quickly seem so unreal. It’s like living in a dream which could end at any second. If I wasn’t holding her hand, kissing her soft lips or wrapping her in my arms, I wouldn’t feel the security that all of it is indeed reality. The way my heart pounds whenever I hold her, the way she drowns me with her sweet scent, the way my hands tremble for wanting to touch her smooth skin and the way my mind goes blank whenever I see her sweet smile… I’m confident… I have found that something that has been lacking in my life for so long.

     And I don’t intend to ever let it go…

     Laura is the one. I knew that the very moment I laid my eyes on her.

     “You’ve finally finished your painting.”

     “Yes. What do you think?” Ah, her lovely smile which always makes me want to reach up the sky and grab a star for her…

     “It’s astonishing. What do you plan to do with it? Will you sell it?”

     “No. This is for you, Ken. I never would have been able to create this if I hadn’t met you.”

     There was nothing that I could say. Not even words like “Thank you” or anything to express my gratitude. I just felt that at that moment, I wanted to kiss her… kiss her until she was out of breath… hold her so tight she wouldn’t be able to move… and love her… love her so much she’d understand exactly how much her existence means to me.

     “I love you, Laura.”

     Never in my life had I felt so much happiness… never had I experienced such madness… such helplessness… All I want is her… All I need is her…

     …Laura…

     I lived in a dream where I was free… and never had I thought that the dream could end abruptly…

     When I woke up, my arms were empty. The bed beside me where Laura had laid felt cold. Her scent still lingered on the pillows and sheets, but where her beautiful head was supposed to be, a note was sitting instead.

     “Thank you” and “Goodbye” were the only words written on that piece of paper above the artsy way she signed her name. Without even a tiny effort to explain herself, she left.

     It’s unacceptable in every way! How could something so special be set aside so nonchalantly? I knew that she felt the same way as me, even though she never said anything. Because it’s just that way it is when you look at the eyes of the person whom you share mutual feelings with. So, why? How? What happened? Million questions ran through my mind but every single one of them was left unanswered.

     I tried looking for her, but never succeeded. At first I planned on begging for her to come back, after some time I realized, I just want to know the reason why she left just like that, until I grew tired of my own pain that I just tried to forget. Days… Weeks… Months and even years quickly passed but her memories still remained. The painting she made for me sat silent on one corner of the room which was once filled with laughter. I thought many times that I should get rid of it but every time I try, a force from within me stops me from doing so.

     Because of the overflowing feelings that welled up inside of me I knew I needed to write again. I had to let all the pain out before it consumes my sanity… and for the first time… I’ve written something that actually came from my heart. My own emotions purged and poured into a literary piece…

     It was at that moment I felt I could finally do it… and I did…

     I finally let go… not of the emotion… not of the memories… but of Laura…

     No matter what her reason was… no matter how much I’ve selfishly wanted to keep her with me… no matter how strong my feelings were for her… no matter how much I forced myself to forget her… it all leads to one thing…

     …Because of her, I was able to write again and be satisfied…

     …Because she came into my life and left…

     …Because she broke my heart and made me experience something that I’ve never had before meeting her…

     I was able to create my own masterpiece…

     And perhaps I should be thankful in some way…

***

     Six years since that unforgettable December night, here I am again walking the busy street where I first saw her. I really can’t forget... the same chilly wind and lovely sky reminds me of that memorable meeting like it was yesterday. I still picture her standing beneath the light post, her long hair dancing with the cold wind, her black dress sparkling like the stars in the sky and the graceful way she tilted her head to throw me a lovely smile.

     I know she wouldn’t be there, because for the first couple of years I’ve deliberately stalked this place and never saw even a shadow of her, but that hopeless thought was still unable to stop my own eyes from following the direction of the light post where I first saw Laura.

     My whole world stopped just as my eyes fell on her…

     Laura… it’s definitely her on that exact same spot.

     For a few seconds I thought that I was hallucinating, but when she threw a shy smile, I became aware that I wasn’t. It’s really Laura… I don’t even know how to feel… I’ve always hoped to see her again but I haven’t really prepared myself. My heart had never been prepared for this moment…

     The smile which six years ago drove me to the edge of happiness now seemed like a lit match waiting to burn the thread that held my rationality. What else is left to do? Should I question her now that I’ve decided not to care anymore? Should I talk to her again and reopen the still aching wounds in my heart? I had questions before but none of those matters to me now. I’ve struggled so much to let her go and should I waste all the effort of doing so by crossing the street and taking her in my arms?

     She gave a slight nod of her head and I found myself nodding back. I curved my lips to return her smile and walked on… there’s no turning back…

(Note: Because of the themes of my stories, I’m beginning to be labeled as a “tragic writer”, I’m not sure I want a label on my work just yet, but I also cannot push myself to force a happy ending on a story when I don’t feel like doing so. Therefore, I left the ending for this one open for the readers to decide. Which direction did Ken take?) ^.^ 

 © AmaranthLevana 2010

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